In Memoriam Sacra
by Berlioz II
Summary: - A Monologue - Risa's ruminations on her deathbed. Kinda grim, but laced with vitality. I hope.


_You know, I didn't really have much purpose in writing this. It was just an idea that jumped out that I felt I had to type down. Sorry for any lack of humour, but I was too depressed to inject much of it in here. Blergh, I'll let you make of it what you will._

_And yes, Risa is my favourite character, so I'm comfortable enough to be able to do this sort of a oneshot. Everything is from Risa's POV, by the way._

_Original Characters © Yukiru Sugisaki, 1997  
Original Story © Berlioz II, 2008_

* * *

Death...

Cruel... cold... inevitable...

It comes to everybody sooner or later.

Young, old, those in the middle...

Always there, ready to bounce on you when you least expect it.

And never does it feel any less shocking.

Indeed, I really do have a big beef over who ever makes the decisions in the universe. Be it God, or Buddha, or some alien lifeform. I mean really, did somebody just happen to decide one day, "Hmmm... that person looks like she's pretty happy with her life. Let's change that, shall we."

Yeah. Great. That's just what happened, too.

Here I am... Harada Risa, younger twin of the proud, always absent parents of Sayuri and Kenji Harada, five minutes the younger of her beloved sister Riku, aged 17 years on this planet... and not likely to get very much older.

That's right. Unless you haven't figured it out yet, I'm dying. And I've been dying for the past six months now. Of what, you may ask? A fatal weakness of the heart. It does have some real fancy medical term too, but beats me if I can recite it to you on a whim. Doesn't matter really either way. None of that has any relevance to me at this stage.

"A fatal weakness of the heart"... Heh, sounds so ironic that I don't know whether to laugh or cry. After all, I've always considered my heart to be my strong point. And now it turns out to be my weakest point.

It's raining again...

Why is it that whenever I feel moody, or depressed, it always seems to be raining?

Tip tap, tip tap, pitterpat tap tap...

I don't know. On one part the rain is so sad and depressing and gloomy... but on another level it is at the same time incredibly soothing, calming to my taxed out nerves. Like the monotonous drone in the background that never ceases, but which is still too asymmetrical in its motion to bring that entirely calming notion to my mind. Nervous soothing of a weeping heart... my own concept by the way.

I wonder, has anybody ever researched the effects of the rain within the human psyche? I'm guessing they must have, but how would I ever know about that. I have never been interested in psychology or stuff like that. Not when I was healthy, and definitely not now that I'm going to find myself in my family's mausoleum in a short space of time. Though, interestingly, lying here and knowing what is inevitably waiting around the corner, I have probably done more thinking on various things I never would have been interested in giving the time of the day before.

You know, I probably could cram my head full of the most deep and profound stuff I could get my hands on. Stimulate my mind with some healthy debate. Or try and figure out some of the fundamental questions that have plagued people's minds since time began. I mean, it's not as if I'm stupid or anything... those matters just have never interested me enough to pay attention to them or warranted any deeper study.

But, then it all comes back to the fact about how useless all of that would be. In the end, I would only feel more down when for the first time of me trying to care about something truly important... other than of course the most important things in life, like love and friendship... nothing more important than those... it would all just be taken away from me before I even got started.

No. All of that would just be a big waste of effort. Not worth the trouble to bother the last remaining days of my life with.

"Hmmmhh..." comes a sounds from the corner of the room.

Oh. ...Riku. Looks like she's waking up.

"Hmmmhmmhmhmmm... Risa...?" she says to me, drowsy from her sleep.

"Hey Riku," I acknowledge her with a warm smile.

By the way, I'm only talking like that to keep you people not getting confused as to who is talking to whom. It's pretty annoying, but I guess I'll have to weather it, even in my weakened condition. So be appreciative, okay?

But back to Riku. If anything, I've never been more happy to have a twin sister. Not only could I have always relied on her in the past, but neither has she let me down when I really need her now.

Standing up from her corner and walking up towards me, she quietly begins "Hey, Risa. How are you feeling?"

"Drowsy... but not too bad," I respond back.

"Oh..." she is satisfied at saying, while she gently takes my hand into her's. "Have you been awake for long? Do you want anything? Or is there anything you'd want me to do?" she continues.

"No thanks, Riku. I'm fine. But what about you? You've been sleeping on that chair for hours now. You know you should go home and have a good night's sleep," I reason back to her.

"No, no. I'm fine. I like sleeping on that chair. It's a little hard, but that's okay..."

Gosh, she's always like that. She never cares about herself when it concerns me. In a way it really warms my soul, but I don't like taking advantage of her either. For somebody who is so used to being so independent, she sure does take lousy care of herself.

"Really, Riku. You can't just stay on that chair for that long at a time. You really should get some proper rest, too. I'll be just fine," I argue back.

"But... but what if you need me? Or something happens to you? I... I need to be here..." she starts again... like always.

"Riku! Really, we've been through this so many times before. I'll be fine, even if you leave for a few hours. I promise I won't die when you're not here..." I say, but am forced to stop as Riku's eyes start to get glossy.

Oh, how I hate it when she does that. I'm so used to me being the one who's over-emotional, but I've never been able to withstand when she gets those sad, teary eyes.

Taking a surer hold on her hand, I continue with more gentleness, "Riku, it's going to be okay if you go have some rest. Besides, you probably haven't eaten anything for a while, either. Come on, please, you have to take care of yourself too. What if you got sick and it'd all be my fault? Would you really want to upset me like that? I'll be here tomorrow again, waiting for you. I promise you. Please, just go have some proper rest. Okay?" I conclude with the most pleading eyes I can muster. She has never been able to resist "the look".

Riku's eyes are now filled with watery tears, looking down at me with such hopeless sorrow that it just breaks my already ailing heart. But regardless of this, she finally just nods, feebly saying "Okay... okay, if that's what you want. But I'll be back tomorrow again, okay?" ...sniffle... "Risa... I love you."

With that she bends down and gives me a big, sniffle accompanied hug, filled to the brim with the loving affection of a sister.

"I love you too, Riku. Love you a lot," I give back to her. After holding each other for a while, Riku then quietly slips away from me and gives one last sad, yet affectionate look before retreating away from the room with reassurances of coming again tomorrow.

As the door closes, I can only sigh with relief... Finally alone again. Whether that's for the better or for the worse. I just never can tell. Not that I don't like having Riku here, mind you. But sometimes her anxiety over me just gets too much.

You know, there are many people who have told me how cool it is that I have a twin and how they wished they had one too, as if it is the greatest thing in the world. Well, I don't dispute their beliefs, as I _do_ feel very lucky to have her. She is very precious to me and I love her off to infinity, but I wonder how many people realise it's not that easy to live with an identical twin.

It's not quite the same as having a way younger or older sibling, but when you look just the same and have an age difference counted only in minutes, it does tend to lead with many people not properly distinguishing us from the other. I guess that's why we have ended up being so totally different from one another, a point of difference out of necessity to be appreciated as unique beings.

Not to mention all that competing... It's probably hard for others to understand why we are so competitive, but you try to justify your individuality and existence when there's always somebody else looking just like you, to whom you are constantly being compared to. It's surprisingly taxing to have to always prove that you are an individual person, not some carbon copy of somebody else, or to be considered less important than the other. But then, when you get down to it, none that really matters and we're never too serious about it when it regards each other. It's the important things that really matter and Riku knows just as well as me how much our friendship means to us.

Outside the rain still keeps on dripping... pattering down on the windowsill with that metallic twang. It actually makes me somewhat regretful that I told Riku to go home. The quiet solitariness of the hospital at night and with that incessant dripping of water, it does nothing more than drag out memories of the past.

I still remember when I was informed about my heart condition, and that the inescapable fact was that I had only roughly six months left of my life... it's as if it happened just yesterday. Now how does that effect a barely seventeen year-old girl you may ask? It's not a nice thing to hear, I can tell you that.

Riku, of course, freaked when I finally got enough spunk to get out of my apathetic state of shock-induced trauma. And from there on end, it's been as if everybody else has been living my life, while my own seems to have stalled to a stand still; Riku anxiously fussing about to make me as comfortable as possible, while trying to keep me safe when I get heart burns; my friends going about trying to sooth me and say how sorry they are and how dear I am to them, begging me not to leave them with the hope that maybe all will turn out better in the end; how the teachers at high school exempted me from my studies with their deep regrets about my condition; and my dear parents... jeez, I don't think they even know, being out of reach again for the last year or so, somewhere around the world with no means of communication... I wonder how they'll feel when they return and find their daughter is dead...? I am hoping to get to see them one last time, but unfortunately that seems like a miracle... and I've stopped believing in miracles quite some time ago.

And still, my own life seems to have stalled to a crawl, as if the world has continued on moving but only left me out of the loop.

I mean, I'm under my twenties and I'm going to die because of this? My life's barely even started, and there's just so much that I still want to experience. It just seems so damn unfair! Why me? Haven't I loved life enough to deserve to live it, while those who don't want to live, actually get that chance? I don't want to die! I want to live! I want to travel. I want to experience love again. I want to get married and have a family. I want to grow old... yet I'm not allowed to have any of that, am I?

How is that fair?

In fact, I've often wondered why me? Why do I have to die for something like my heart? Sometimes I like to play around with the silly, romantic notion that all those years ago, Dark stole a piece of my heart and took it with him when he disappeared, leaving me as the tragic romantic heroine of some gothic romance novel, destined to die for my love for something I never should have been allowed to love in the first place...

But, I often just dismiss such fanciful ideas as nothing but the hopeless daydreams of my past self, and then retort to myself with a simple: "Sometimes shit happens".

Although the former idea still does warm me up a bit during the cold, lonely nights.

(sigh) But I guess there's no crying over spilled milk. The cruel fact is that life is not fair. And no amount of feeling bad for myself is likely to change that.

I do appreciate, though, that I haven't been abandoned in my solitude. My friends still come visit me regularly and we get to spend some quality time with each other still... albeit limited to non-stressful events. Riku of course won't go away even if I wanted her to. She and Daisuke-kun are also still doing good as a couple... good thing at least one of us gets to have a fullsome life still. Even Hiwatari-kun has come to see me a few times... well, perhaps not really that much to see me than being dragged here by Daisuke.

Ah, yes... Hiwatari Satoshi... or Hikari I probably should say, though he seems to dislike the name... Such a strange guy. Really, even after all these years of exposure to the real world he's still as unemotional as ever. Sometimes I wonder if he's a human being at all.

But then again, there's the completely indecipherable mentality that he has that sometimes makes me wonder whether there is some kind of a huge emotional climax trying to escape from inside of him. It usually seems to manifest around his eyes, but those moments are usually very brief and are often shaded again by his unreadable expression.

And you know what? That really makes me mad, even as I should't. I mean, since he even bothers to be dragged here, to the bedside of a dying girl, at least he could show some emotion. I wouldn't even care what emotion. Even displeasure or deep irritation would be welcomed, but he just doesn't want any of that it seems. His pure passiveness just irritates me so much that I sometimes feel like jumping up and kicking him on his shin, just to see some reaction from him and not hear the clanking of metal.

Although, I must at the same time admit, that those few times of a flickering emotion in his carefully controlled eyes seem to elicit a stronger emotion directed towards me... I can't really read it and it usually disappears so fast I don't know what to make of it. It has left me rather curious, I admit, but neither am I going to push him for answers if he doesn't want to give them.

But if he has something to say, I'd wish he would hurry up before it's too late to say anything.

Oh, well. It doesn't really matter. I won't be around for that long to really care.

Not that I'm sad about this... no really! I'm not. I can't explain it. I know that I should probably be crying my eyes out like Riku, but I don't know. Somehow, at least over the past couple of months, I just haven't been feeling sad or dejected at all. Instead, I've been feeling incredibly... peaceful. Indignant to the world at times, yes, but generally peaceful. It's so strange. Even as I don't want to die and I would not deny an opportunity to live if it was given to me, I just don't feel much regret. I'm so passive, that I don't even know where all of this is coming from.

Maybe it's just one of those unexplainable things in the universe... or something. Ugh... I'm too tired to start thinking about that.

Mou! I really should be getting some sleep. These late night ponderings are more than likely to cave my head in before my heart even fails me, but whether any sleep will come is anybody's guess.

Not to mention, I'm probably keeping all of you awake too with my incessant jabbering on about my problems and thoughts you probably don't even care at all in the first place. But then again, why would you be listening to me even for this long if you didn't care at all? Ugh... it's too late to start thinking of other peoples' motivations, people that I don't even know for heaven's sakes.

Ummh... laying my head down on my soft pillow, one that Riku specifically brought me to save me from having to lay on those uncomfortable, hard hospital pillows, I pull out a loose, pink hair ribbon. I don't know what it is with these things that comfort me somehow. I used to start wearing them because they looked cute, but over time they've become almost like an extension of my personality. ...That is if you want to subscribe to such silly things that a piece of cloth has some significant bearing on my persona.

But they still bring me some weird comfort, a reason why I always have one close at hand.

GAH! Enough of this. I'm going to close my eyes now and fall asleep. That's right. And so should you. I suppose it is in some way flattering that you'd be interested in listening to a lone, dying girls rambling all night long, but there is a point where such interest just becomes creepy. So good night and have a happy life. Hopefully a longer one than I have. And at least try to enjoy it. You'll only get one chance at it, so make it a good one.

(yawn) Sooooo... nighty night.

- O -

Two weeks later Harada Risa was dead after a massive coronary stroke, leaving behind a world that she had always enjoyed to the fullest.

The funeral ceremony was held some three days later and left one Harada Riku a shattered mess of blubbering incoherence as she was escorted away from the family tomb by her boyfriend, Niwa Daisuke. Risa's parents never heard of her death until two weeks later when they returned... It prompted them to make a solemn promise to never again travel away from their home the way they had, wanting to not have to experience the same kind of destructive news should their other daughter ever fall victim to similar circumstances.

But one further, unexpected thing happened that day of the funeral that any onlooker in the know would probably have considered as something strange to say the least.

After the rest of the people had departed from the family grave, one lone figure remained in the sidelines, out of sight, before advancing to the grave. Laying down a small bukée of white carnations, he stood up, brushed his hand through his oddly blue hair and then, almost inaudibly, mumbled "I'm sorry," accompanied by a small tear dropping from his right eye. After this he turned around and walked away hands deep in his pockets, not even glancing back.

Only the cold, blistering autumn winds were left hovering around the Harada stone memorial, blowing yellow and red leaves around the ground and rustling the little bunch of white flowers on the foot of the grave. And, in the distant horizon, the sun quietly set in a hue of oranges and reds.

* * *

_Sorry, I just had to put that coda in the end. Don't ask me why. I just felt compelled to do it._

_Feedback is appreciated, but not necessary if you do not wish to leave any. Just hope you enjoyed... or well, "enjoyed". Thanks for reading._


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